The Last Judgement

I wonder how the Man will stand at the Judgement? At this moment, he stands as the Judge with the last laugh. I wonder if he realizes there is an even bigger Judge than he?

Strangely, I felt like Adam in Genesis Chapter 3. Although the Lord did listen to Adam before He pronounced Judgement, I wasn’t given any opportunity when the Man with the Gold pronounced his judgement. It was quick, effective and cleanly sliced through my body and soul. I wonder if Adam felt that way.

Of course, both judgements are warranted. I won’t argue that. But it’s the pain that really hurts and lingers. Maybe festers.

A wise friend said the string of this judgement will fade in time. That comforted me and gave me some hope that maybe next month or next year will be better. And, I believe I will be better in the long run for my decision to sell. Just did not expect such a scathing final slicing judgement from the Man with the Gold.

Thankfully, the final judgement will be conducted by the Final Judge. It will be a right and correct judgement.

Three paintings by John Mellencamp. Seen at the John Mellencamp's Paintings and Assemblages exhibit at the Thyen-Clark Cultural Center on Sunday, March 28, 2021. iPhone photo by Dave O.
Three paintings by John Mellencamp. Seen at the John Mellencamp’s Paintings and Assemblages exhibit at the Thyen-Clark Cultural Center in Jasper, Indiana on Sunday, March 28, 2021. iPhone photo by Dave O.

Thoughts on the Last Laugh

I can understand his frustration and anger. So I can understand the need to have the “last laugh”. Reducing future inheritance because of a current decision I made to (hopefully) maintain and (hopefully) improve my mental state is the price I must pay.

As a straight financial transaction I can understand. The one brother took on more financial stress and future expense due to my decision. Reducing inheritance to cover his current financial burden is probably fair.

Although it’s a price I didn’t (but should have) expected to pay. As a straight financial transaction the brother was eager to take that load and will most likely benefit in the future as the market rises. The current expenses are just a cost of ownership he choose to enter into.

But, it probably isn’t fair on some sort of level to him. The man with the gold believes it isn’t fair and thus punishes me.

The “last laugh” comment haunts me. It drips with strings, attachments and exceptions and vindication I was unaware of yet should have been aware of since history proves this could and most likely would occur. The rear view mirror is telling me “I told you so” as I probably shouldn’t have entered into this ‘agreement’ when it first came up years ago. I went against my gut feeling at that time.

I wasn’t strong enough to stand back at that time. I thought attitudes and things would change. Some things did change and were blessed but the one thing I wanted changed is what I am punished for and will be laughed on that future date.

I wonder what the next ‘last laugh’ will be. If I make a misstep in the future will there be a last laugh judgement on me. If I violate an unspoken rule he has set will he laugh. Maybe I will be laughed at because of some belief I hold? It is just hard to walk through life not knowing what wrong you are doing until the laugh track is played.

A painting by John Mellencamp. Seen at the John Mellencamp's Paintings and Assemblages exhibit at the Thyen-Clark Cultural Center on Sunday, March 28, 2021. iPhone photo by Dave O.
A painting by John Mellencamp. Seen at the John Mellencamp’s Paintings and Assemblages exhibit at the Thyen-Clark Cultural Center on Sunday, March 28, 2021. iPhone photo by Dave O.

A Last Laugh

It was hard to stay alive over the past weekend (March 26 – 18). First, the Closing, then the Deposit. Wrestling with feelings of failure, worthlessness. Then, I buy materials to work on a DIY project and start to feel better. Then a Text that makes my level of worth drop by 2.5% and my future worthlessness will drop by whatever the expenses and market value is on that Day. Ah, the Last Laugh.

I stayed up till 2:30 am Monday morning (3/29) typing out an email in response to a response to a rather flagrant text I sent. I probably should not have sent the text. Probably should have stayed quiet. Let the dust settle and move on. But, I felt misunderstood and wanted a voice.

And that is it for me. It’s no use. They won’t understand, can’t understand. I’m tired of feeling like the bad guy, the unhinged guy for raising an objection, a different point of view, expressing what I want and need. I’m 58 years old. Geez. It won’t ever stop.

I hope that I don’t talk to, communicate, exchange further emails or text with them. Probably will have to see them face-to-face at some point in the future but hopefully that won’t happen for a long time.

I don’t believe I’ve ever came across the phrase “the last laugh” in my personal relationships. That phrase seems so vindictive, as though one has absolute power to laugh at you and you don’t. Ok. Well said. Please laugh. Can’t understand me but you can laugh.

There was one highlight over the weekend. A Sunday day trip to Jasper, Indiana to walk through the John Mellencamp’s Paintings and Assemblages exhibit at the Thyen-Clark Cultural Center.

Painting of Meg-Ryan by John Mellencamp. Seen at the John Mellencamp's Paintings and Assemblages exhibit at the Thyen-Clark Cultural Center on Sunday, March 28, 2021. iPhone photo by Dave O.
Painting of Meg-Ryan by John Mellencamp. Seen at the John Mellencamp’s Paintings and Assemblages exhibit at the Thyen-Clark Cultural Center on Sunday, March 28, 2021. iPhone photo by Dave O.

A Monday Start

Hello Monday!

I dragged my fat ass out of bed this morning and actually worked through the Week Three Day Two of the C25K program. The work out calls for a 5 minute walking warm up, a 2 minute run, a 2 minute walk, a 3 minute run and a 2 minute walk. Repeat twice. And then finish up with a 5 minute cool down. A 26 minute workout with 10 minute of actual running.

And, I was slower this morning than I was on Friday evening. The mileage was 1.84 at a 14:06 pace.

And, to contrast this, I actually felt energetic this morning but I was slower than my last workout.

At least I’m progressing toward a goal.

It is kind of hard to drag myself out of bed in the mornings. In the distant past I preferred morning workouts to evening workouts. It seemed like evening workouts took so much time away from the family. However, since I don’t have a family anymore (live alone) it really wouldn’t matter if I did evening or morning workouts. Relationships are hard enough (married and otherwise) and at that time I would rather be involved with the family in the evenings instead of working out.

As it turns out, it really did not matter in the long run.

Yes, relationships are hard. So many expectations we place on each other. Some expectations are valid and legitimate and needed. Some, maybe most, expectations are just selfish and self-centered. Although we can hardly, if ever, tell the difference.

Here’s a photo from McNeely Park in Louisville Kentucky.

Photo from McNeely State Park in Louisville Kentucky.

Photo from McNeely State Park in Louisville Kentucky.