My Current Mile

My current mile hasn’t been all that great. Maybe downright hard. Such a struggle. I’m pathetic.

To put things in perspective … I’m not homeless, nor am I starving. The furnace is working. The car has started in the cold. The government is not repressing my political, social or religious beliefs. I have a job. I’m relatively healthy.

So, in all reality, I’m doing better than a lot of people in the world.

But why are things so hard. Why am I depressed? Why such a struggle?

It’s an interesting question. The narcissist office mates would say to ‘just’ get over it. Move on. Overcome.

Certainly wise counsel. Could apply to most if not all circumstances for most if not all people.

But, still, it’s a struggle for me.

What Have I been Doing?

Nothing much. Being depressed. Can’t seem to shake it off. I’ve gain so much weight. I stopped running. My blood pressure is too high (140/99 on average). Did I say I was depressed. My resting pulse was in the 80s this morning.

What Can I Do?

With the advent of the new year, I have decided to take some kind of action. I need to change something. I want to lose some weight. I want to get back to running, walking, exercising. Cut back on the food intake and stop the drinking. Use the Planet Fitness membership.

Any Bright Spots in the Last Year?

There has been one or two bright moments in otherwise a dull and bleek 2016.

The first moment came in early December as I finished a true round of paintings. Maybe my first actual artistic creation. Other than weaving the canvas, growing the pine or manufacturing the paint, I drip painted a set of ‘real’ paintings. I call it the “November Collection 2016”. I hung a few in the house and gave a few away. It was quite the sense of accomplishment as I stretched the canvas I painted over the frames I built.

The second … well, I can’t really remember.

What Am I Going to Do?

I need to shake off this depression. Probably need to change the self talk. Should ignore the narcissist rants from a few raging narcissists in the office. Track an exercise goal, lose weight, paint more.

Take a few small steps. Lose a pound a week for 2017 to get back to my goal weight. Maybe sign up for Weight Watchers as that was successful when I was on the program. Exercise more. Eat less. Read more. Blog more. Pray more.

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The November Collection 2016

A New Painting

I missed out on the 2014 Mini Marathon and feeling the deep emotional pain from that. I feel so much like a loser for not overcoming my physical and psychological pain to at least participate. But, hopefully, the rest of this year will be better for me, at least in the running department. Instead of running, I spent this weekend working around the house, in the yard doing the normal yard work (mulching, fertilizing, trimming … the normal yard work) … and trying to keep my mind off of failing to participate in the Mini Marathon and the other stuff that is going on in my life right now.

Kara … the lady who ran in the Mini under my bib number … did exceptionally well. God bless her and her ambition and desire … something that I really need to get a hold of in my   life right now. She’s a symbol for me in more ways than she would know. I wish her the absolute best in everything she desires.

Even though I didn’t run this weekend … I did think about it and hopefully I will put in a few miles this week. This afternoon, I saw an older man running through my neighborhood. I watched him as he ran by and I wished him the best. I was somewhat jealous of his effort. Actually, I was totally jealous of his effort.

I did find a connection when that old man as he was running by. As I was watching him somehow I stumbled over the overloaded wheel barrow I was pushing. It was full of mulch and in my stumble I banged the shin of my left leg just above that nasty stress fracture. Instantly I thought of how I have waited for over six weeks for the stress fracture to heal and now I’m sidelined again with a bruised shin from an overloaded wheel barrow of mulch. There is a now a huge lump on my shin. Geez.

Even though I failed to run this weekend … I was able to do something of significance (at least significant to me)  … I completed a painting that I’ve been working on for a few weeks.

I know that abstract expressionism is a bit outdated … but it is a genre of painting that I relate to. The chaos of splattered and thrown paint resonates with my psyche.

Anyways, here are some bad photos of my latest painting. I call it “Losing Shannon”.

I wish the iPhone would take better photos as these photos are somewhat out of focus.

Anyways … Onward …

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