Four Days Into It

And so begins my forth day of Office work. So far, it’s been ok. Actually, I do like it, working in the Office. Back in March 2020, when Covid came upon us and I was sent home, I was ready to get out of the Office. There were so many bad attitudes flowing through my head about some of the people in the Office that I was standing beside myself not knowing what to do.

Although those people are still here and not much has changed in terms of how I feel, the bad attitudes have thankfully faded. Those attitudes are still there but what is different is that I ‘just don’t care’ anymore.

For example, one of the Office Narcissist, a loud talking, opinionated man was promoted. Thankfully he has no influence on my work detail. But I figure if the owners choose to promote him over other worthy candidates then they have their own self interest in mind. Meaning, he is the type of man that pushes buttons just to egg people, as he enjoys inflicting emotional pain on people. There was a slight revolt when the owners promoted him and meetings were called to talk about the issues as most of the Department was threatening to walk out.

For many years he pushed my buttons. And he enjoyed it. I watched him push other peoples’ buttons and he enjoyed it. And admitted that he enjoys ‘playing with people’s emotions’. He doesn’t have emotions so it’s easy for him.

While in Quarantine, I was able to step away from that. Not hearing his talk every work day for fifteen months somehow built my emotional strength as now I listen to him and feel sorry for him. Maybe it’s the Wellbutrin I started to take while in Quarantine that is giving me the edge. Maybe it is the fact that I resigned myself to my economic fate and just don’t care to climb this ladder any longer. Maybe it is the attitude that I have now to “do the job as best as I can and be happy about it” and don’t pour my life into it any longer. That is sad because at one time I did care about climbing the ladder in this place, but all those decades of effort and belief won’t pay off in the way that I expected. I just don’t care anymore.

It Was a Good Day

Yesterday (May 12, 2021) was a good day. Here’s why I thought it was a good day:

  • I was productive at work, meaning there were some projects that took focus, some creativity, thinking outside of the little box I’m in. I felt I actually accomplished something useful for the Company and maybe I actually earned my keep for the day.
  • I did not take a nap at the end of the work day. For the past several weeks, maybe even the past few months, I’ve laid down at the end of the work day to ‘rest’ and read a book. Usually I drift off to sleep and wake up after 7:00 pm. Then, I say to myself, “what’s the point of doing anything productive now since it is so late in the evening”, so I just go back to bed and wonder through the You Tube wasteland. But last night, I finished a book, Take My With You by Catherine Ryan Hyde and then went to the Comic Book store, to the Auto Parts store and then to Lowes. When back home, I drank a few beers, wrote a few blog posts, scanned some images, started a new book, Hope Is A Verb by Amy Downs, moved a computer workstation to a new location and then laid down to go to bed. So, it was a productive evening. And, I’m thankful for that.

At Lowes, I bought five bags of cement and three pressure treated 2x4x8 for the “yard containment” project.

At the Comic Book store I bought:

  • V.E. Schwab Extra Ordinary #00 (Titan Comics)
  • Batman Detective #2 (DC)
  • Eros/Psyche #3 (Ablaze)
  • Vampirella v Purgatori #3 (Dynamite)

I walked into the Auto Parts store to buy a quart of motor oil for the Honda. While looking at the array of different oils I could not decide on what I needed. Then, I remembered that I have a jug of motor oil at home that I bought (maybe) two years ago when I was excited about changing the oil in the Honda. But, I never changed the oil with the new oil that I bought. Once I remembered that, I walked out. Why buy new oil when there’s oil at the house.

I was thankful for the good day. Good days are hard to find anymore, lately, it seems.

The Honda, at Prestone Monument (Tri Corner of Colorado, New Mexico, Oklahoma, July 30, 2018. Nikon D600 photo by Dave O.
The Honda, at the Prestone Monument (Tri Corner of Colorado, New Mexico, Oklahoma,
July 30, 2018. Nikon D600 photo by Dave O.

Very Sad

I came across this video. It is so sad. Been there a few times. Thankfully, continued to live.

I try to stay current with the Van Dwelling, Van Life, RV, Camping you tube channels, more as a pipe dream, a way to live vicariously through other who have the ability to live as such. Maybe it will become a future reality for me. But, I never came across the Life with Lee channel. My loss.

There is a Go Fund Me page.

Rest in Peace, Lee MacMillan.
Rest in Peace, Lee MacMillan.

Helping Along

I have been ‘neutral’ in the last few days, meaning I have not had any swings into the void of feeling defeated by the family nor have I swung into feelings of confidence like I can take on the world. It is strange. Maybe I have finally walked past the hurt of the recent events. If so, the landscape ahead seems flat.

I started taking the Bupropion HCL SR 150 MG tablet again. After looking at this page it appears Bupripion is a generic of Wellburtin SR. This could be the source of my neutrality.

According to the above page, one of the side effects of Bupropion is “weight loss”. Oh please, bring that on. I seriously need to loose weight. If this helps control my appetite then I will be forever thankful.

I stopped taking the Bupropion a long time ago because I did not feel that I needed it. And, the tablets are light green in color and kind of spooked me.

But, with the recent events I felt I needed a bigger boast than the daily Paroxetine HCL 30 MG tablet was giving me.

Besides the additional medication, I have employed another strategy to help in dealing with recent events. Whenever an obtrusive thought about the “last laugh” enters my head, I simply say, out loud, “STOP IT”. So far, that small action has enabled me to stop obsessing over the hurt and injustice of the Event. At times, I say “stop it” quite often to get the thought out of my head. Sometimes it returns immediately, other times a few hours can pass before it comes back.

Sculpture in Vail, Colorado. Nikon D600 photo taken by Dave O on June 17, 2015.
Sculpture in Vail, Colorado. Nikon D600 photo taken by Dave O on June 17, 2015.

Earning My Keep Over a Weekend

I tried to earn my keep over the April 17-18 weekend.

I started the weekend by attending my first ballet. The Indianapolis Ballet gave a performance of Grace to Grandeur at the Toby at Newfields. The Toby is a small auditorium and Newfields is the local art museum.

Being my first ballet performance, I did not know what to expect. I didn’t know what to wear as I did not believe jeans and a hoodie was appropriate. Due to the Covid, I sat in a row all along. The auditorium had taped off seats to keep social distance in force.

The show itself was captivating. Watching these dancers leap and twirl and dance on their toes in the grace and fluid they did was astonishing. How can people do such things? And, they were wearing masks while performing so that probably didn’t help their breathing.

Holy cow, these people are super heroes, strong, limber with lean and cut bodies. They certainly have the strongest ankles and toes in the world. I was ashamed of myself for being so out of shape that I can hardly walk up the stairs.

I don’t know if attending a ballet qualifies as “earning my keep”. Probably not, but attending a ballet performance is (was) on my bucket list and so I’ve done it.

Saturday, I spent time on the Wall project, sanding drywall and then spending hours cleaning up afterwards. Later in the afternoon, I cut the yard and trimmed the edges. I was totally wiped out after cutting the yard so I laid down and dozed off. The day was over at that time. I spent the rest of the day overeating and watching the 2002 supernatural hour film, “The Ring“.

I suppose cutting the yard and sanding drywall qualifies are ‘earning my keep’. Watching the movie probably doesn’t qualify.

Sunday was a relationship day but I was able to get a few small chores done to earn my keep. We drove out to Knightstown, Indiana and had a late lunch at the Sugar Creek Brickhouse. It was a good day.

Roy Lichtenstein's Five Brushstrokes at night. iPhone 7 photo taken by Dave O at Newfields on the evening of April 16, 2021.
Roy Lichtenstein’s Five Brushstrokes at night. I did not realize this installation was electrified and light up at night. How Cool. iPhone 7 photo taken by Dave O at Newfields on the evening of April 16, 2021. Heres a time lapse Tube Video of the installation.

Look Alive

I don’t understand why I get so anxious about ‘work’. It’s not only ‘work for pay’ but ‘work in general’. I don’t believe I work hard enough, long enough, intense enough to earn the salary. I don’t believe I work hard enough, long enough or intense enough here at home and elsewhere for no salary.

I would guess it was the childhood. If, I could blame it on those formative years for the anxiety I feel now. In those years, you were dubbed worthless if you weren’t working at something. Usually, that mean following the Man with the Gold around as he worked on his projects and my brothers and I cleaned up after him. I had an early morning paper route since elementary school and fast food jobs in high school. I don’t believe I was lazy but I always seemed to be on ‘the clock’ and not doing enough. Cutting the yard was the ultimate task, usually done several times a week, fighting with my brothers as to who cut and who bags. I always felt like I got the short end. I worked while they played.

“Look alive” was one of his catch phrases. Usually said when you were not doing the work quick enough for his preference. At one time, he claimed that if a person was sitting down he was worthless, even at social functions. So, my brothers and I stood up a lot during Christmas and other holidays.

As a late 50s grown ass adult I should be over this shit by now. But, I’m not. I get overly anxious if I am not ‘doing something productive’. If I’m sitting at the computer I need to be productive in some way, either coding in Javascript, working on a graphic project, typing an email, just something to avoid watching You Tube. If I’m not sitting at the computer I need to be doing a DIY project, cutting the yard, killing weeds, painting something. Laying in bed watching You Tube isn’t productive by any definition.

Normal people would not feel this way about themself. Ugh.

Time Lapse of Cloud Flow. Looking southeast. Nikon W300 time lapse taken on April 9, 2021 by Dave O.

Trying to be Thankful

Today is Thankful Thursday.

It should be easy to be thankful. I watched several you tube videos on the Holocaust and was appalled that people can do such vile things to other people. I’m thankful that I don’t have to deal with people hating me because of my religion, heritage or beliefs. I feel for the people who suffered through the Holocaust.

That has been my strategy of late, that is, realizing that other people have it (and had it) worse than I do (or did) and my first world issues and hangups don’t compare.

I recently was accused of having a chip on my shoulder. I looked up that idiom to see what it actually means and discovered that it means I have a grudge or grievance. Yeah, maybe I do, probably do. I believe I have a bonafide reason to carry a chip. Although it is interesting the accuser is the target of my chip. He can only say I need to loose the chip because he believes himself superior to me. How dare I have a grievance! I can believe that he believes he did nothing wrong and my grudge is baseless.

So, I will put distance between the Chip and my shoulder. And be thankful that I don’t have the Waffen-SS knocking on my door.

A patch of three trees along the Harrison Trace Trail at Fort Harrison State Park, Indianapolis, Indiana. Nikon W300 photo taken by Dave O on April 3, 2021.
A patch of three trees along the Harrison Trace Trail at Fort Harrison State Park, Indianapolis, Indiana.
Nikon W300 photo taken by Dave O on April 3, 2021.

Leprosy

In my effort to stay positive and remain grateful in the hopes it will change my outlook on life and starve off the depression, I watched a video about leprosy. How hideous leprosy is. Not only are you ravage and most likely will die by a disease, society casts you away and cries “leper”. Forever banished.

This video talks about the Kalaupapa leper colony in Hawaii.

A strategy to stay positive and remain grateful and starve off the depression is to see that other people have (or had) a more difficult life experience than what I am having (or had). I would say the people who were banished to Kalaupapa qualify. This strategy is an effort to understand (and move past) these recent events in my life are really lame when compared to others who have actually lost something valuable, like their health or life, and I have no reason to be so down and depressed over that which has occurred in my life.

If I ever traveled to Hawaii I would spend minimal time on the beach. Rather, I would seek out the volcanoes and this leper colony. Witnessing the earth spit lava is on the bucket list, but I would also like to pay homage to those who were exiled by a disease they didn’t ask to be inflicted with. They had it worse than I ever have (or had).

I realize the photo below is not associated with the Kalaupapa leper colony. Hopefully it is not in bad taste but I don’t have an original photo of anything associated with leprosy and do not want to cut and paste a photo from another source. Other than reading Bible verses about leprosy and the occasional other source I have absolutely zero experience with the disease. Thankfully, Hansen’s disease (leprosy) is treatable in our modern age. So, this blog might as well end on a positive note with a photo of a whimsical sculpture.

Whimsical Sculpture seen in the Dubois County High Schools Art Show at the Thyen-Clark Cultural Center in Jasper, Indiana on Sunday, March 28, 2021. iPhone photo by Dave O.
Whimsical Sculpture seen in the Dubois County High Schools Art Show at the Thyen-Clark Cultural Center in Jasper, Indiana on Sunday, March 28, 2021. iPhone photo by Dave O.

I Need to be More Grateful

I read this blog post by the Rubber Tramp Artist. I also read her book, Confessions of a Work Camper. I have two of her collages in my collection.

Earlier this morning or maybe last night a thought occurred to me that I should be more grateful about my life. After all, I live in a middle class world. I have a job. I don’t need to fret over clean water nor do I need to wonder if the SS will come knocking on my door.

Then the Rubber Tramp Artist posts a blog on Thankful Thursdays.

I am drawn to the bad things in my life, the negative things that have happened to me, events that I believe are geared to trample me, episodes designed to deprived me of worth, to put me in my place in the eyes of others. I ruminate and muse about them consistently, it seems.

I am overwhelmed with the negative and have been for a long time now. I could make a list of that which negatively impacts me and it would be quite long. Yet, if I share it with a stranger most likely that person will have a list just as long if not longer and would most likely consider items on my list as paltry when compared.

A codicil cut in the future by the Man of Gold would compare less to someone who struggles at this present moment. That future cut may never come as there are so many variables that could kill in this moment. Why worry about it. Of course I will make the necessary preparations but why worry about it?

Yet, I do, as the intangibles of his disappointment swirl in my head and slice my worth to the red line.

But, I need to climb out of this hole and focus more on the better things in life, as Blaize Sun suggests. I hope this is a turning point to focus more on the Grateful Things.

Thank you Blaize Sun.

Postcard from the Rubber Tramp Artist. iPhone 7 photo taken on April 22, 2017 by Dave O.
Collage from the Rubber Tramp Artist. iPhone 7 photo taken on April 22, 2017 by Dave O.

The Last Judgement

I wonder how the Man will stand at the Judgement? At this moment, he stands as the Judge with the last laugh. I wonder if he realizes there is an even bigger Judge than he?

Strangely, I felt like Adam in Genesis Chapter 3. Although the Lord did listen to Adam before He pronounced Judgement, I wasn’t given any opportunity when the Man with the Gold pronounced his judgement. It was quick, effective and cleanly sliced through my body and soul. I wonder if Adam felt that way.

Of course, both judgements are warranted. I won’t argue that. But it’s the pain that really hurts and lingers. Maybe festers.

A wise friend said the string of this judgement will fade in time. That comforted me and gave me some hope that maybe next month or next year will be better. And, I believe I will be better in the long run for my decision to sell. Just did not expect such a scathing final slicing judgement from the Man with the Gold.

Thankfully, the final judgement will be conducted by the Final Judge. It will be a right and correct judgement.

Three paintings by John Mellencamp. Seen at the John Mellencamp's Paintings and Assemblages exhibit at the Thyen-Clark Cultural Center on Sunday, March 28, 2021. iPhone photo by Dave O.
Three paintings by John Mellencamp. Seen at the John Mellencamp’s Paintings and Assemblages exhibit at the Thyen-Clark Cultural Center in Jasper, Indiana on Sunday, March 28, 2021. iPhone photo by Dave O.