Look Alive

I don’t understand why I get so anxious about ‘work’. It’s not only ‘work for pay’ but ‘work in general’. I don’t believe I work hard enough, long enough, intense enough to earn the salary. I don’t believe I work hard enough, long enough or intense enough here at home and elsewhere for no salary.

I would guess it was the childhood. If, I could blame it on those formative years for the anxiety I feel now. In those years, you were dubbed worthless if you weren’t working at something. Usually, that mean following the Man with the Gold around as he worked on his projects and my brothers and I cleaned up after him. I had an early morning paper route since elementary school and fast food jobs in high school. I don’t believe I was lazy but I always seemed to be on ‘the clock’ and not doing enough. Cutting the yard was the ultimate task, usually done several times a week, fighting with my brothers as to who cut and who bags. I always felt like I got the short end. I worked while they played.

“Look alive” was one of his catch phrases. Usually said when you were not doing the work quick enough for his preference. At one time, he claimed that if a person was sitting down he was worthless, even at social functions. So, my brothers and I stood up a lot during Christmas and other holidays.

As a late 50s grown ass adult I should be over this shit by now. But, I’m not. I get overly anxious if I am not ‘doing something productive’. If I’m sitting at the computer I need to be productive in some way, either coding in Javascript, working on a graphic project, typing an email, just something to avoid watching You Tube. If I’m not sitting at the computer I need to be doing a DIY project, cutting the yard, killing weeds, painting something. Laying in bed watching You Tube isn’t productive by any definition.

Normal people would not feel this way about themself. Ugh.

Time Lapse of Cloud Flow. Looking southeast. Nikon W300 time lapse taken on April 9, 2021 by Dave O.

Resting Today

Interesting cloud. Photo taken 9/12/2013 in Indianapolis, In by Nikki Oswalt.

Interesting cloud. Photo taken 9/12/2013 in Indianapolis, In by Nikki Oswalt.

So … I decided to lay off running this morning in favor of rest. Although my ego would rather get in a few miles for the endorphin rush. I would like to save some energy for the Greenwood Trek 5K, which stages tomorrow (Saturday, 9/14). It will be my first race in a long time so I would like to run and finish well. I’m not proud of my recent times (average pace of 10:45). So, I’m sure I’ll be somewhere in the back of the pack and one of the last finishers. But, at least I’m running and enjoying it and that is the bottom line. I’m grateful that I can do something that I really do enjoy.

Interesting change in weather patterns over central Indiana. Yesterday, the morning temperature was in mid 70’s with high humidity. This morning, when I let the dog out to terrorize the squirrels the temperature was in the mid 50’s. Tomorrow, for the 5K, the weather man says the morning temperature will be in the low 50’s. I’ll need to take the long sleeve shirt with me!

Hope that everyone has a great running day!