I am on my fifth workday back in the Office.

Maybe my radar is keen to the micro aggression of the Office Narcissist but it picked up one this morning. He said “You spent more on your breakfast than I will spend at the grocery store to feed my family for a week”. Of course that is a paraphrase. He said that in response to his subordinate who brought in a food item and a drink from Starbucks.

I don’t go to Starbucks unless I am required to. My second ex wife was a frequent customer. So, I know how expensive food and drink are at Starbucks.

The guy he said this too replied vaguely about ‘knowing the cost’ and walked away from his desk. Of course, I overheard this exchange but didn’t say anything as it is my policy to not say anything to this Narcissist. But I wondered what the reason for the comment other than a micro put-down, a minor saying to put the guy in his place, a way to say that I’m superior to you because I keep my spending in line and don’t give dollars I work my ass off foot Starbucks for high priced and worthless food and drink.

Yet, yesterday afternoon, the Narcissist bragged about the amount and the quality of food he buys from Krogers, giving in detail cost and weight, and how he prepares such food, offering advice to anyone who listens on ‘how to do it right’.

While he was lecturing the office people on how he cooks I put my ear buds to block him, listening to the RHCP Californication cd. I certainly did not miss his narcissism, his lectures, his comments to put people down.

Drawing effort on the morning on June 10, 2021. Saved from Photoshop by Dave O.
Drawing effort on the morning on June 10, 2021. Saved from Photoshop by Dave O.

Four Days Into It

And so begins my forth day of Office work. So far, it’s been ok. Actually, I do like it, working in the Office. Back in March 2020, when Covid came upon us and I was sent home, I was ready to get out of the Office. There were so many bad attitudes flowing through my head about some of the people in the Office that I was standing beside myself not knowing what to do.

Although those people are still here and not much has changed in terms of how I feel, the bad attitudes have thankfully faded. Those attitudes are still there but what is different is that I ‘just don’t care’ anymore.

For example, one of the Office Narcissist, a loud talking, opinionated man was promoted. Thankfully he has no influence on my work detail. But I figure if the owners choose to promote him over other worthy candidates then they have their own self interest in mind. Meaning, he is the type of man that pushes buttons just to egg people, as he enjoys inflicting emotional pain on people. There was a slight revolt when the owners promoted him and meetings were called to talk about the issues as most of the Department was threatening to walk out.

For many years he pushed my buttons. And he enjoyed it. I watched him push other peoples’ buttons and he enjoyed it. And admitted that he enjoys ‘playing with people’s emotions’. He doesn’t have emotions so it’s easy for him.

While in Quarantine, I was able to step away from that. Not hearing his talk every work day for fifteen months somehow built my emotional strength as now I listen to him and feel sorry for him. Maybe it’s the Wellbutrin I started to take while in Quarantine that is giving me the edge. Maybe it is the fact that I resigned myself to my economic fate and just don’t care to climb this ladder any longer. Maybe it is the attitude that I have now to “do the job as best as I can and be happy about it” and don’t pour my life into it any longer. That is sad because at one time I did care about climbing the ladder in this place, but all those decades of effort and belief won’t pay off in the way that I expected. I just don’t care anymore.

Time to Move On

Since the early 1990s the lake front Cabin on Cordry Lake in Brown County Indiana was part of the family. It was passed to my brothers and I.

The Cabin was a source of great fun and some hard times, During my time with Nikki, it was a great place to raise the our ‘lake’ kids.

Now, it’s not the best of places. Attitudes that persist have made it extremely difficult to recover those times with Nikki. Some people say that ‘things change’ but apparently these attitudes can’t. So, after much internal turmoil and struggle, it is time to close this chapter and move on.

Yes, I’ve failed to give my kids and grandkids that which some can give and was given to me. But again, those attitudes prevent it. And, I’m too weak to fight against the total control some people need to have so it is time to move on.

Time Lapse video of Cordry Lake. Video taken on June 6, 2020 with the Nikon W300 by Dave O.

Drew Skillman a Failure?

According to Office Narcissist #2, he is.

I am not a fan of drag racing nor of motor sports in general. There was some interest in my youth when I tried to become a gear head. But after living life and trying to be successful in two failed marriages and raising four kids, I have no interest.

This morning, the office is abuzz about this drag racer guy, Drew Skillman, who won big in the NHRA US Nationals at the local Lucas Oil Raceway. Here is a link to his website.

Good for Drew. I wish him and his team more success. I can believe that his big win at the 2017 NHRA US Nationals is a combination of luck, hard work, persistence, continued effort and skill.

However, Office Narcissist #2 proclaims Skillman’s success is only because of the deep pockets of his father, or grandfather, of the Ray Skillman Auto Group fame.

I know nothing about the Ray Skillman Auto Group other than it is a local collection of car dealerships in central Indiana and Drew’s father and/or grandfather are owners. I  probably looked a new car at their dealerships over the years I’ve lived in central Indiana. The last new car I bought was a Honda Civic EX from a dealership not connected to the Skillmans. That was in the year 2000.

However, I do know that success the Skillmans enjoy, either at the dealership level or the drag racing level or at the personal level, is a result of the previously mentioned hard work, skill, luck, effort, persistence and a host of other attributes. They played their cards right and with a lot of hard dedicated effort and some luck won (or is winning) the game.

Yet, Office Narcissist #2 implies that Drew Skillman was given his success at the NHRA US Nationals because that is what wealthy fathers or grandfathers do …  hand their kids fame and success. He asserts Drew Skillman had nothing to offer other than an ass to sit in a driver’s seat and fingers to press a button at the right time.

That grinds my psyche.

My father is wealthy and built a successful business. But I was never handed that kind of simple success. In fact, I’ve failed at much, if not all, of my effort.

In fact, during the years I work at the ‘family business’ I was ‘held to a higher standard’ as the owner’s son. And therefore endure more hardship, lack of support and verbal floggings from the owner that others did not.

Not that my father never come through in my despair and desperate moments. He did. However,  my father didn’t give me a portion of the company he built. Yet, he gave to others, my younger brother included.

I’m sure that Drew Skillman work hard long hours over a long time to be a success. I can’t image a person who rises to the top of his field, drag racing in this case, was just handed the NHRA US Nationals because of the wealth of his father and/or grandfather.

So, when Office Narcissist #2 makes those sweeping statements about the fame and success of kids of rich and wealthy parents, I sort of get grinded.

It takes a lot to suppress my emotions like this. I ask where is my fame and success? Why wasn’t it handed to me, as the Narcissist says it is handed to all the children of the wealthy.

Thankfully, for my own mental health, I found a pair of blue tooth headphones and a white noise website to stream out the narcissistic rants of that man.

It is odd, however, the Narcissist’s parents were extremely wealthy with high level corporate jobs in broadcasting and manufacturing, home and acreage in an exclusive Indianapolis suburb. Wealthy enough for the Narcissist to brag about their wealth and upon their death, his inheritance.

Unless that was all a lie. Which, knowing the man, could be the case.

Yet, with the uber wealth of his parents, he isn’t successful by any means. He is just a laborer who, like me, who grinds out a daily living.

 

Happy 2018

Happy 2018.

I’ve been in a funk. It started about April – May of 2017. I wasn’t able to get out of it. I’m still in it as 2018 begins. But, hopefully, maybe I can climb out (or roll out) of it in 2018.

At least that is a hope. A New Year’s hope.

Depression is a grievous companion. I can’t seem to shake it. The 20 mg of Paxil takes the edge off. But, it doesn’t take it away.

My Post Nikki life hasn’t been all that great. Thankfully, there hasn’t been any tragedies but the zest for life isn’t there.

This morning, the first work day of 2018, I have to listen to an office narcissist talk about the major and minor details of his 2017 European Christmas/New Years vacation. I have to listen to him brag how impressed the backwards Europeans were with his American winkle.

Geez.

Anyways, I do have a semblance of a plan for 2018.

  • Get back into calorie counting.
  • Exercise more.
  • Blog more.
  • Teach myself to draw
  • Paint more
  • Reduce the amount of Diet Mountain Dew I drink
  • Increase the amount of water I drink

Anyways, I wish everyone a great 2018.